I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
