I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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