I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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