you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
