Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
