I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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