Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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