There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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