Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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