1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
