Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
