On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
