Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
