Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
