Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
