I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
