your parents love me but you hate me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
