You really coming over, don't trick.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
