capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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