My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
