I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
