my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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