i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
