I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
