Texts From Last Night

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  (831): View more from California

  It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.

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  (831): It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse. http://tfl.nu/4ove
  Replies (11) Good night (4731) Bad night (1216)
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  (718): View more from New York

  he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

  (1-718): View more from New York

  I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

  (718): View more from New York

  the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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  (718): he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs (1-718): I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious. (718): the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip. http://tfl.nu/dbxw
  Replies (31) Good night (878) Bad night (3889)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip

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  (303): she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip http://tfl.nu/86nj
  Replies (20) Good night (4348) Bad night (1086)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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  (732): just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer http://tfl.nu/hop7
  Replies (25) Good night (6664) Bad night (1387)
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  (805): View more from California

  I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

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  (805): I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on. http://tfl.nu/fosj
  Replies (8) Good night (4170) Bad night (1083)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
  Replies (23) Good night (9061) Bad night (1070)
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  (661): View more from California

  It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas

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  (661): It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas http://tfl.nu/7a5h
  Replies (9) Good night (1621) Bad night (848)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?

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  (812): Is it too early to say this year has been a blur? http://tfl.nu/q8ht
  Replies (2) Good night (1185) Bad night (1205)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.

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  (720): You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck. http://tfl.nu/hy5d
  Replies (3) Good night (1829) Bad night (675)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice

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  (505): pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice http://tfl.nu/a73k
  Replies (7) Good night (1131) Bad night (563)
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.

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  (660): The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working. http://tfl.nu/zgl5
  Replies (5) Good night (1271) Bad night (697)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure

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  (413): She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure http://tfl.nu/04x9
  Replies (4) Good night (711) Bad night (415)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?

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  (812): Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner? http://tfl.nu/i2e0
  Replies (13) Good night (667) Bad night (393)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr

  (480): View more from Arizona

  truly a win in your book

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  (602): i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr (480): truly a win in your book http://tfl.nu/95qe
  Replies (2) Good night (573) Bad night (314)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?

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  (313): Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs? http://tfl.nu/w5xb
  Replies (0) Good night (652) Bad night (309)

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