gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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