just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
