All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
