woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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