Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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