i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
