If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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