How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
