So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
