and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
