a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
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