i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
