just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
