at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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