He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
