That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
