so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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