I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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