I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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