So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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