This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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