Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
two words...techno handjob
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
