I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
