Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
