im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
