see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
