I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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