i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
