Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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