I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
